Cheesecake
by Fruity and Delicious
Summary: Sora talks like a chatboard troll, Kairi and Selphie are... involved... a masked man has a gun and Wakka's still got a cheesy Jamaican accent.


Another masterpiece from Jamie and Rachel! Well, not really, but, you know. And, it's been modified! So it can be even better! + + +  
  
"Sora!" Riku screamed. Sora, who was standing nearby, raised an eyebrow. "Ah, good, I have got your attention," Riku said loudly. He coughed. "I have a declaration of love for you, Sora."  
  
"Ooh, from who?" Sora asked excitedly. "Kairi or Selphie?"  
  
[somewhere else]  
  
Kairi: Selphie!  
  
Selphie: Kairi!  
  
Kairi: Selphie!  
  
Selphie: Kairi!  
  
[back to Sora and Riku]  
  
Riku coughed again. "Um, no. They're passionately in love. With each other."  
  
"LIKE OMG! OMFG!!!" Sora shrieked. "OMG THEY R LIKE GAAAY! I MUST KILL TEHM!"  
  
"Uh... now would be a bad time to tell you that Tidus and Wakka are also in love?"  
  
"OMG THERE IS SOME REAL GAYNESS!" Sora did a monkey dance.  
  
"And... it's also a bad time to tell you I love you from the deepest, darkest depths of my heart?"  
  
"OMG!! OMG! GET AWAY FROM ME AS YOU ARE A REAL GAY PERSON! AAAH!!!!!" Sora screamed (much like a four and 9/32 year old girl would have) and ran away.  
  
"What," Riku said to himself, "as opposed to a fake gay person?"  
  
Sora stared at him suspiciously, as he hadn't gotten very far. "WELL, U R NOT GOING TO CORRUPT ME YOU FREAKEH! ARGH!" He screamed and threw a hand grenade at Riku. Then he ran away as fast as he could. "I MUST GO AND FIND KAIRI+SELPHIE AND DESTROY THEM! THEN I MUST GET MEDIEVAL ON WAKKA'S ASS!" Riku blew up, and then all was good again because he had some cheesecake.  
  
"Mmm, cheesecakey goodness."  
  
{meanwhile...}  
  
Selphie: Kairi!  
  
Kairi: Selphie!  
  
Selphie: Kairi!  
  
Kairi: Selphie!  
  
{back to Sora...}  
  
"OMG LIEK EVERY1 IS A GAY FREAKEH! I MUST DESTROY THEM ALL!!!!!!1!11!!!!" He screamed. He began to write up the plans for evil gay assassination. "FIRST I WILL BEAT RIKU UP LIKE A SMALL, SQUALLING BABY!"  
  
Leon: OMFG! It is liek, Leon not Squall!  
  
Yuffie: I LOVE YOU Leon!  
  
Leon: OMFG! OMFG! OMFG!  
  
Sora: get out of my bedroom! o.O  
  
LEON: YOU ARE FREAKEH!  
  
"SO ANYWAYS THEN I WILL KICK RIKU ON THE REAR AND I WILL LIKE THROW HIM IN A MUD PUDDLE. AND THEN I WILL TAKE KAIRI AND I WILL... UM... I CAN NOT HIT A GIRL SO I WILL PUT ON A HAT AND PRETEND TO BE OJ SIMPSON AND I WILL CHOKE KAIRI! THEN I WILL STRANGLE SELPHIE AND FEED HER TO THE LADYBUGS." Sora thought for a minute. "LIKE, OMG, THEY ARE SUCH OMFG GAY!"  
  
{Meanwhile...}  
  
Selphie: Kairi!  
  
Kairi: Selphie!  
  
Selphie: Kairi!  
  
Kairi: Selphie!  
  
Selphie: Kairi!  
  
Kairi: Selphie!  
  
Selphie: OMFG I LOVE U!  
  
Kairi: OMFG I LOVE U 2!  
  
Selphie: Kairi!  
  
Kairi: Selphie!  
  
{um...}  
  
"AND THEN I WILL FEED THEIR FIRSTBORN TO A GOAT! AND THEN I WILL TIE THEM UP AND STOP THEM FROM CORRUPTING ME!" Sora gasped as he fell off a mountain. "HOLY SHIT! WHO PUT THIS FUCKING MOUNTAIN HERE!? FUCK YOU MOUNTAIN! Fuuuuuuuck youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!" And then Sora died. But not really.  
  
Riku: I wish I had a piano.  
  
Sora: OMFG..!.1.111 YOU ARE SAYING NASTINESS LIKE ME ARE YOU NOT YOU GAY. Yeah.  
  
Riku: Stop calling me that it's mean.  
  
Sora: Make me.  
  
Riku: You are mean to me. you should not be so prejudiced. It is not my choice for my heart to choose such a cold, bleak love!  
  
Sora: GAAAAAAY!  
  
Riku: Stop it! You're hurting me!  
  
A short while later...  
  
Riku: Oh! Sora!  
  
Sora: Ah! Don't stop!  
  
Riku: How funny. We just yelled random things with a lot of innuendo to raise ratings.  
  
Sora: JUST LIKE CINDY CRAWFORD!  
  
Riku: ...No...  
  
Sora: Um, ok. Does George Bush steal candy from babies?  
  
Riku: I DID NOT DRESS UP LIKE GEORGE BUSH AND STEAL CANDY FROM BABIES! NO I DID NOT!  
  
Sora: ...ok. Want a cookie?  
  
Riku: Not really.  
  
Sora: DAMN YOU COOKIE HATER!  
  
Riku: Ah, why are you so mean to me!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!  
  
Sora: Because you're GAY. EWWWWIE.  
  
Riku: You're such a meanie-head! I don't love you any more!  
  
Sora: I must kill you!  
  
Riku: Must you? Aww...  
  
Sora: Fineeee, we'll fight... with candy canes!  
  
{a fight commences. Sora stabs Riku in the side, Riku slashes Sora across the face. Blood happens. And other such events. In any case, Sora is stupid and falls forward, landing on top of Riku.}  
  
Riku: Hoho! What a compromising position.  
  
Sora: Hoho?  
  
Riku: Hoho. Ho ho ho. Ho. Ho.  
  
Sora: Hoho like hoho or hoho like ho ho?  
  
Riku: What? I think, like, hoho. Hoho? Ho ho. Ho?  
  
Sora: Riku!  
  
Riku: This is all Chip and Dale's fault!  
  
Sora: Chipmunks?  
  
Riku: I think we should jump on them until we die!  
  
Chip: Get yer damn paws off me!  
  
Dale: Watch your fucking language, bitch!  
  
Ker-slap!  
  
Chip: Wah  
  
[meanwhile....]  
  
Tidus: Hmm, what should we do today, Wakka? Wakka: How about we play blitzball? Tidus: I'll just win again. Wakka: You know I don't mind when you win, I just love spending time with you. Tidus: Awww. You're so sweet! Sora: OMFG GAY GAY GAY! So... gay... must... kill... self...  
  
Riku: OMG! Sora. Sora, do NOT kill yourself. I love you! I love you more than the sun itself, I love you so much that--  
  
Sora: Just shut up, okay?  
  
Riku: What...?  
  
Sora: ...I think I am attracted to Wakka's strange Jamaican accent...  
  
Riku: Holy Shi- no, you aren't. You are attracted to my long luscious locks, my beautiful cerulean eyes, my sexy bod, everything about me screams to you. It screams, "Sora! I am screaming to you!"  
  
Sora: It screams to me, "BLARHGKFSDUHRT" and then, "Brains!"  
  
Riku: I... I thought you loved me, Sora.  
  
Sora: Well, if your body wasn't acting like a zombie.  
  
MASKED MAN: OKAY YOU FUCKING FUCKERS! THIS IS A FUCKING HOLDUP! UP THE ASS, PINK PANTHER!  
  
Ansem: Can I sell you some telephones?  
  
MASKED MAN: HOLDUP! THIS IS A FUCKING HOLDUP! I'VE GOT A FUCKING GUN!  
  
Sora: A gun!  
  
Riku: He's got a fucking gun!  
  
MASKED MAN: ...MWAHAHA. HAHA! Riku: Hoho.  
  
Tidus: Hoho? Like, hoho hoho or hoho ho ho?  
  
Wakka: Eh?.  
  
Riku: Hoho, I think.  
  
MASKED MAN: NO. SHUT UP AND FUCKING LISTEN TO ME! I AM GOING TO TAKE ALL OF YOUR MUNNY AND YOU ARE NOT GONNA DO ONE FUCKING THING. I'M HOLDING YOU CAPTIVE IN THIS FUCKING LITTLE SHACK AND NOT LETTING YOU OUT UNTIL SOMEONE PAYS ME THE RANSOM. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!  
  
Selphie: *pops up out of nowhere and kills M.M.* Damn, was he ever annoying.  
  
Kairi: Selphie!  
  
Selphie: Kairi! *runs off*  
  
CURTAIN  
  
(later that night)  
  
Sora: Where is Mr. T?  
  
Mr. T: I am helluva tough! And I protect my youth centers! Drink milk yo!  
  
Sora: Ok, I'm good now. Well, not really. I think Riku is... um..  
  
Riku: ...Sho then I told her, "Well, if you think I'm not good enough for you then maybe you should... should... Should get yo' head exshamined..."  
  
Sora: Oh, great, he's drunk again.  
  
Ron poops up. haha.!  
  
Ron: *smacks Riku* Be SOBER!  
  
Riku: *beats Ron to a pulp* Fucking pansy.  
  
Sora: Why the fuck did you "poop" up?  
  
Ron: Damm typos.  
  
Sora: Damm?  
  
Ron: Oh fukc!  
  
Riku: You have some real problems kid.  
  
Ron: Fukc uoy.  
  
Riku: That's just superflous.  
  
Sora: Wait. Are you sober now?  
  
Riku: Ye-um, but then she shlapped me. *hiccup*  
  
Sora: *sigh*  
  
Ron: *runs away and manages to get bitten by a minnow. He dies shortly thereafter.*  
  
Sora: *hauls Riku into treehouse thing* Why are you drunk?  
  
Riku: Fucking pansies are everywhere. They should all fucking burn in hell.  
  
Sora: Uh...Riku, you're a pansy.  
  
Riku: UR SO GAY SORA.  
  
Sora: Is that what I sound like? Do I really sound like that?!  
  
Riku: If I pretend to be asleep maybe he won't notice me when I'm stealing his OJ Simpson hat.  
  
Sora: I can hear you. And besides, how would I not notice you if you stole my OJ Simpson hat while you were pretending to be asleep?  
  
Riku: I'm 2 kewl 4 u.  
  
Sora: Um... I'm scared. I don't want to sleep.  
  
Riku: Aw, poor baby, let me hoooooold you...  
  
Sora: Now who's gay, huh? Huh? HUHUH?!  
  
Riku: Huhuh like huhu or hu hu?  
  
Sora: ...No. Just no.  
  
Riku: Well, you and Tidus got to go "Hoho like hoho or ho ho?" so why can't I?  
  
Sora: Um... Because you're gay.  
  
Riku: So is Tidus!  
  
Sora: Then why don't you and Tidus get together?  
  
Riku: Tidus is with Wakka, duh.  
  
Sora: .....urgh......  
  
Wakka: Tidus!  
  
Tidus: Wakka!  
  
Wakka: Tidus!  
  
Tidus: Wakka!  
  
Wakka: T-Sora!  
  
Sora: Wakka!  
  
Wakka: Sora!  
  
Riku: Sora!  
  
Sora: Wakka!  
  
Tidus: Wakka!  
  
Wakka: Sora!  
  
Riku: Sora!  
  
Tidus: Let's kick it up a notch!  
  
Sora: ...  
  
Tidus: Um, you know.  
  
Legolas: Lalala.  
  
Sora: ...!!  
  
Leon: ... ... ...  
  
Tidus: How strange. Where did they go?  
  
Sora: I don't know. This is stupid. *kills everyone*  
  
Moogle: THE END!  
  
Epilogue:  
  
Everyone had cheesecake when they died and miraculously, Sora got over his homophobia and married Tidus, while Riku and Wakka got together because Riku finally admitted that he was attracted to Wakka's accent.  
  
FIN  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
jamie: so what did you think? we had great fun writing this. it isn't so much mary sue as a/u. o well. better than mary sue if you ask me. we're just stupid...so feel free to flame! fire makes me happy :)  
  
rachel: hmm... once I set a paper towl on fire when I was making macaroni and cheese. 


End file.
